How Earth taught me about dealing with my son’s autism
Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us that “there is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide.”
Emerson is talking about the importance of claiming our station in life, experience it deeply, and even enjoy it without comparing ourselves with those ahead of us or behind us. It is a lesson mother earth teaches us daily, but goes unnoticed by us.
I learned this important life lesson when I had to deal with the disability of my son Johnny who has autism. He was diagnosed at the age of 3. He is 29 years old now. He cannot engage in meaningful conversations. He cannot drive. He cannot be left alone at home for long periods of time. He needs supervision and guidance. He is under our guardianship because he cannot manage his affairs. He won’t be dating or marrying or having a family of his own. Johnny is physically 29, but emotionally 9.
I used to compare him with our next-door neighbor Daniel who is only four months older than Johnny. As a typical kid, he played sports, at age 16 he learned to drive, and at 18 he graduated from high school. For the next four years he went to the University of Florida and graduated with a degree in engineering. He drives a sports car. At age 25 he got married and moved into a brand-new house, with his beautiful bride. Daniel’s parents are empty nesters. They can come and go as they please. They don’t have to worry about finding a “babysitter” for their 29-year-old son as Judy and I must.
So, when I compare Johnny with Daniel, there is much to be desired. They live in two very separate worlds. Feelings of envy and sadness are inevitable. And every now and then, I have them.
But then I catch myself and do a backward comparison with Brandon who was with my son Johnny in the YMCA program. Brandon was Johnny’s age and he had down syndrome. He was in a wheelchair. At five o’clock, when the after-school-program ended, I had watched Brandon’s dad, David, coming to take his son home. He parks his van, goes in and wheels his son to the van. Then he opens the passenger side and lifts his son from the wheelchair and helps him into the van. The boy was heavy-set, and it strains David’s back each time he must lift him. Brandon was not even capable of fastening his seat belt.
Once Brandon is securely inside the van, David pushes the wheelchair to the back of his SUV, opens the trunk, folds the wheelchair, puts it in, closes the door, gets into the driver’s seat and drives home. It takes at least 15 minutes to move his son from point A to point B.
When I saw what David had to deal with, I thanked God thinking how blessed I was with Johnny. When I went to pick him up, I didn’t even have to get out of my car. I just honked once, he came out and in 15 seconds he was inside my car, buckled up, and ready to go. Johnny is independent in many ways. I don’t have to do anything for his personal care.
Nobody is better, nobody is worse. Nobody is high, nobody is low. Nobody is ahead, nobody is behind. Nobody is up, nobody is down. It is all an illusion. All of us are inhabitants of a round-shaped planet. In a circular universe those words are meaningless.
from Cosmic Kindergarten: Earthly Lessons for a Heavenly Life)
